Recently I had the opportunity to talk
candidly with Bill Clinton, former president of the United States. Mr.
Clinton has recently gone through a religious conversion and now feels he should tell the truth about some of the more controversial aspects of his
past.
Q: Mr. Clinton, I'm going to start with with a hardball. What really
happened to your childhood friend, Vincent Foster? Was it a suicide?
A: I'm glad you asked me because I really wanted to tell the American
people that I didn't have anything whatsoever to do with that one, it was
more a shock to myself than anyone. I had known Vince all my life, and,
well, we were really good friends. You could trust Vince, and I believe
that maybe was his downfall.
You see, the, ha ha, the right-wing nuts that had him down as a murder
weren't really so far off, but I personally didn't know about it, and to
tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure myself what happened.
I can tell you that Vince had told me he was going to have to cooperate
with the IC on that Whitewater thing, and I can say that some of my more
rowdy friends, [short pause] my acquaintances that is, [pause].
Well some people call them the Dixie mob, and these
boys have a bad habit of trying to help me out, and I can say they let me know that they had a
way to deal with it, with my friend Vince, but my gosh, how would I have known ...
Q: But you did fire the FBI chief the day before.
A: Right we did that, but that had to do with Hale, Judge Hale. The FBI
was getting set to arrest him the following day, and they were going to
confiscate all his papers. This was July 19, my first year, 1993. What could
we do? We talked it over and decided we had enough BS on Sessions to can
his a#$ and get one of our guys in there. But when Foster was dropped off
in the park [pause] that was a surprise.
Q: So he was murdered as the right-wing claims?
A: Well no, not murdered, well, I don't really know exactly what happened
to be honest. I think somebody shot him in the parking lot, but we were
told he'd shot himself, with a little 9m -- that was the neck wound the
paramedics saw. Ha ha, that old 1913 colt, that was a good one. I don't
know how they pulled that one off, particularly after that confidential
witness popped up. He'd walked right into the middle of it. Did you know I
went on Larry King that night and had to pretend I was just learning about
it? King's staff knew about it though. My make-up artist almost spilled
the beans too. Did you know that?
Q; The so-called suicide note?
A: Ha ha, can you believe it, a little suitcase is searched three times
and nobody finds it. Then it suddenly turns up in a final "assault", hee
hee, haw haw. I'll tell you something, I don't know who dreamt that one
up, but it was done because the press were still asking a lot of
questions. They needed a note so someone on my staff decided to give them
a note. the press is so dumb, [pause], I mean, well lets say they're a little
slow ... slow, is that a good word? I bet there's several meanings to that
one... might mean something a little different to you press guys, haw haw
haw.
Q: But how could you have possibly gotten the police and investigators to
all sign on, the whole town isn't crooked!?
A: As to that last point, well, ha ha. [Scratching his head] You've got to know how power works
to figure these things out. But let me say I don't think it was any
accident that Foster was let off in that park. We had the FBI, and we had
the White House, but we didn't have the local police, or we at least
didn't know what we had there. But we knew the management of the park
police and they thought we were gods. I'm not kidding, t hey really did. They didn't know a thing about
forensics so how were these little guys going to go and tell the FBI that
they don't know what they're talking about? The paramedics were a problem
and we were afraid, we really were, that the press would reach them and,
well, that could have given the whole thing away. But we had only one lonely
reporter from the NY Post, that's all we had to worry us, [pause]. He was onto us, but then we had ways to do some
arm twisting at the Post. We got the guy fired a lot easier than
we'd thought we could, and this poor soul is a real "nut" now,
real! One of the all
time loonies. He's running some little web site called "Newsmax", that's
where he's at now, professionally. I almost kind of feel sorry for
the guy myself, haw haw haw, hew, hew.
The only other guy we needed was the medical examiner. But I was told we
hadn't any problem. We got [pause] Dr. Meyer, was it? The Washington Times
looked up his history, they're my favorite newspaper, you know that don't
you? And found out about him. He's a reliable guy, he'll
give us the conclusions we want. As I said, the Washington Times learned
it but none of the rest of the press caught it. [talking fast]
Nothing unusual there, just the right wing crazies coming up with all
sorts of stuff, hew! |
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Q: I can understand Fiske, but how did you
get Starr to sign on?
A: Are you kidding? I almost would have thought Ken was working for us,
haw haw. I mean it kind of looked like it to me, didn't it you?
[pointing to himself]. A lot of those
right-wing guys thought so too. He put in one of our guys, a Democrat, to
head the Foster thing, supposedly wanted to prove he was fair, but
personally I think he did it on purpose. I don't think he had the stomach
for it. And I know somebody had a talking with him. But he had a deputy, an honest guy, his name was
Rodriguez. He gave us a lot of problems. But we were able to get him out
of the investigation. Some of us were a little worried the press would
pick up on it, on his getting forced out, but I think I understand the
press real good <snicker>, so that wasn't a problem [talking loudly].
Q: Mr President, are you worried that you could be prosecuted for what
you're telling me?
A: What? You're kidding aren't you? Do you think anybody's going to
believe this? This is looney right wing stuff, Hillary will testify to
that <snicker>.
Q: Ok, lets move on to Ron Brown. What happened?
A: Oh, that one. It wasn't any accident, I can tell you that, but I'm not
entirely sure what happened. That was another of those Vince Foster
things.. The IC was
breathing down our backs, about Brown, he was only weeks from some
indictments, big ones, we were told,. and he told me, Brown told me, he was going to have to cut a
deal with the prosecutor. Personally let me say I knew all this before Brown ever told me.
But I don't know that this had anything to do with it, with him getting
killed that plane. It was an accident, sort of an accident.
Accidents happen every day, you know that, right?.
All I can say is I was told the plane was brought down by the rebels, and I don't
know whether some of our guys had anything to do with it. You know the
rebels reached the crash before our guys did, you know that. They wanted
our people to know it was no accident, and I think that's why they shot
him. But what they didn't know was how good we were at controlling our own
press! They kind of thought we were still some kind of democracy, ha, you
guys are the watchdogs, ha ha ha. Sorry, hew haw, I'm just having a hard
time with this one.
Q: Thats ... ok Mr President, would you like a break now?
A: No, haw haw, I'm ok, lets get it done with.
Q: What about TWA 800. Was it a missile?
A: You know, for the life of me I didn't think they could contain that
one. Look, CNN was reporting a missile, Newsday was reporting a missile.
Just too many people saw that one, even some army guys, pilots and such.
But they assured me, "we can do it", so I said, well, it's an election
year, I don't particularly want to lose this thing because you guys went
and screwed up, so they did it. We did it with the FBI. It works every
time. Nobody at TWA believed us, half the NTSB knew we were lying, but we
did it. Can you imagine that?
I'll tell you, I just about fell out of my seat when I saw the CIA
animation, you remember, them trying to explain how a plane climbed
another 1500 feet after the whole nose fell off, pilot and all. Haw, haw,
haw. And that one didn't even work, so the NTSB had to come in and sweep
things up. But as every time, the good ol' press came through and didn't
have a clue. haw! Don't you see how this works [leaning forward], maybe 5
percent of the public knows enough about flying to know the whole thing's
a crock of s$#%, and maybe they can convince another 10 or 15 percent or
maybe even a third of the public will catch on and know something's not
right with this one, but so what? You only need 51% to get a majority and
you can't get that when the people running the news are in our pockets.
You just can't do it. We can stop them with one editor, just one editor.
We've done it, we did it more than a few times [giggling].
Q: Mr. President, you've said some serious things here, but you've
indicated you weren't really in on them yourself. Can you do something to
remove any viewer's doubts about this?
A: I've said this before. I had nothing [pounding podium], nothing,
nothing, nothing whatsoever to do with any of these things. These are
lies, perpetrated by the right-wing. There is no cover-up. I haven't been accused of doing
anything wrong because I haven't done anything wrong.[The former
president then turned to the camera and angrily shook his finger at our
viewers, stating sternly:] "I did not have knowledge of any of these
wrongdoings!"
Q: Is that really the truth, Mr. President?
A: You're the news guy. That really depends on the meaning of the word
"truth", doesn't it Mr. journalist?
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